When you were a kid, did your parents ever cut off your allowance because you hurled a rock through your neighbor's window? Or maybe your spouse once cut up your bank card after finding out you blew a month's salary on Bored Ape NFTs. If either of these things has happened to you, then you know firsthand that economic repercussions can be a powerful deterrent against the forces of malicious aggression and sheer idiocy. Which is exactly why the US slapped sanctions on aggressive idiot Vladimir Putin and his merry band of war criminals. Of course, some Americans are applauding the US response to Putin's invasion of Ukraine, while others argue that sanctions are an insufficient deterrent to Russia's hostility against its neighbor. Some have called for an American military intervention or a no-fly zone over Ukraine, while others are wary of actions that could plunge us into World War III. But at least there's one thing just about every American can agree on: The idea of Russia imposing sanctions on a US president is genuinely hilarious. The Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs announced on Tuesday that they've added the names of 13 Americans to a "stop list," meaning that these people will no longer be able enter Russia or do business with Russian financial institutions. The list includes President Biden, who we're sure is devastated by the news that he won't be able to take advantage of the booming Russian economy. Gone are the days when the president could hop on Air Force One and touch down near a St. Petersburg McDonald's for a mouth-watering helping of deconstructed borscht (ketchup packets and a cup of tap water). Of course, McDonald's was one of several US companies that pulled out of Russia weeks ago, so Putin and his foreign secretary Sergey Lavrov are probably well aware that Americans are not particularly fearful of Russian sanctions. But doing things like this for show is the obligation of every insecure demagogue, so it's not surprising that Putin and Lavrov have carried through with this puny gesture. Hilariously, the list misnamed Biden, a fact that White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki pointed out at today's press conference. "I would first note that President Biden is a 'junior' so they may have sanctioned his dad, may he rest in peace," Psaki joked. "The second piece I would say is ... that none of us are planning tourist trips to Russia and none of us have bank accounts that we won't be able to access, so we will forge ahead." Russia also sanctioned the president's son, Hunter Biden -- presumably due to his former business ties to Ukraine -- as well as ex-secretary of state Hillary Clinton. Clinton, who knows a thing or two about butting heads with authoritarian blowhards, was quick to clap back with mock gratitude. "I want to thank the Russian Academy for this Lifetime Achievement Award," wrote the former presidential candidate. The sanctions also ban ten other figures in the US federal government from entering Russia or doing business with Russian banks, including Secretary of State Antony Blinken, CIA director Bill Burns, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Mark Milley, Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin. Yeah, we're gonna go out on a limb and say that no one on that list was planning on taking a vacay to Moscow and snapping a selfie in front of Lenin's preserved corpse anytime soon. But hey, we guess you can't blame Vlad and the homies for trying. Better luck with the next bit of delusional nonsense!
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